Saturday, January 25, 2020
Sunday, January 19, 2020
change...
And so my role keeps changing.
So much change in my life over the last few years.
But.
I don't know who I am. I am no longer a wife. I am barely a parent, at least in the way I used to be.
My son and my husband were always center stage. I made no real time for myself.
The last 19 years have seemingly flown by, yes, they do go by so very quickly, and for many of those years I had a real role in my son's life. Now though? I have no real role in my son's life anymore. None. I knew this would happen. Logically. But, feeling this loss in my heart like I do now? No. I did not know it would happen like this. There are no books about this part of childhood.
I remember saying to my husband when our son was in high school that our outings with our teenage son would be numbered. That we had to take advantage of the time now with him. Yeah. That would happen. The teen would not want to be with his parents. But. To live that? Now? It's so different. Now, I am obliged to take the back seat. Always. He no longer cares for my opinion, in fact thinks its quite intrusive or irrelevant. I was expecting this, but really? Is it really happening? To me?
When you're married, you and your spouse can talk this out together. You're a team. You have someone to rely on, to hug, to talk to... When children become adults, marriages fall apart. You suddenly look at the person across the dinner table and wonder who they hell they are. Or, your marriage gets better, stronger even and you enjoy your spouse again without children. Flitting here and there and everywhere. I am divorced. I no longer talk to a spouse. I do this new parent dance all alone.
I do try to remember how I was at 19. Wasn't I a model child? Always respecting my parents, obeying their wishes? Asking for and considering their advice? Being considerate? It's then that I'm brought back to reality. Sure! No, I wasn't a model child. I did and said hurtful things to my parents.
My son's behavior is completely normal just like mine was at 19. I never wanted to be at home. I never wanted my parent's advice. What could they possibly say or know that could help? They were old, oh so old, and didn't understand anything, nothing, that I was going through. I only cared about myself, my friends and being with my friends. All.the.time. Going out. Going anywhere but home. Spend time with my parents? So not happening. Home? No.way.
He's trying to be independent. Isn't that the goal? To raise an independent adult? I just wish my heart recognized this loss better.
Who am I? I'm no longer a wife...and my role as parent is changing. Again.
So much change in my life over the last few years.
Who am I?
I look in the mirror and see me.
But.
I don't know who I am. I am no longer a wife. I am barely a parent, at least in the way I used to be.
So, who am I?
My son and my husband were always center stage. I made no real time for myself.
The last 19 years have seemingly flown by, yes, they do go by so very quickly, and for many of those years I had a real role in my son's life. Now though? I have no real role in my son's life anymore. None. I knew this would happen. Logically. But, feeling this loss in my heart like I do now? No. I did not know it would happen like this. There are no books about this part of childhood.
I remember saying to my husband when our son was in high school that our outings with our teenage son would be numbered. That we had to take advantage of the time now with him. Yeah. That would happen. The teen would not want to be with his parents. But. To live that? Now? It's so different. Now, I am obliged to take the back seat. Always. He no longer cares for my opinion, in fact thinks its quite intrusive or irrelevant. I was expecting this, but really? Is it really happening? To me?
When you're married, you and your spouse can talk this out together. You're a team. You have someone to rely on, to hug, to talk to... When children become adults, marriages fall apart. You suddenly look at the person across the dinner table and wonder who they hell they are. Or, your marriage gets better, stronger even and you enjoy your spouse again without children. Flitting here and there and everywhere. I am divorced. I no longer talk to a spouse. I do this new parent dance all alone.
I do try to remember how I was at 19. Wasn't I a model child? Always respecting my parents, obeying their wishes? Asking for and considering their advice? Being considerate? It's then that I'm brought back to reality. Sure! No, I wasn't a model child. I did and said hurtful things to my parents.
My son's behavior is completely normal just like mine was at 19. I never wanted to be at home. I never wanted my parent's advice. What could they possibly say or know that could help? They were old, oh so old, and didn't understand anything, nothing, that I was going through. I only cared about myself, my friends and being with my friends. All.the.time. Going out. Going anywhere but home. Spend time with my parents? So not happening. Home? No.way.
He's trying to be independent. Isn't that the goal? To raise an independent adult? I just wish my heart recognized this loss better.
Who am I? I'm no longer a wife...and my role as parent is changing. Again.
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
A Walk on Christmas Day
This was my first Christmas as a divorced person. My 19 year-old son JE and I share our home and we are still trying to figure things out, like how to do the holidays as a split-up family. I often work holidays, and worked Christmas Eve, so I was off Christmas Day. I spent Christmas day with my son. I liked that.
We had no plan, that is, let's get up at such and such a time, open gifts, have dinner (dinner? what? no planned Christmas dinner? )...yes, 'tis true, we did not have any dinner planned. We were winging it this year since it was just the two of us. JE slept until noon and it was at that point that I woke him because I couldn't wait any longer and I couldn't imagine missing our Christmas day walk. I really wanted to be outside in nature, enjoying our time together.
We ate some breakfast, PB&J for him, eggs for me, and in our conversation past Christmases came up. We haven't had really joyous Christmases in the recent years. Rather, it's been more going through the motions and some traditions got bypassed just because it was easier than arguing. This year though we bought a real tree and decorated it. With lights and ornaments and everything. That was a big deal since we haven't decorated our tree for years. Oh, sure, we went and bought a real tree at the tree lot for many years and that used to be fun, but choosing a tree as a family became a fight, no longer fun, no longer a cheerful family tradition. Buying a tree became a chore, joyless, so actually decorating it stopped happening. I couldn't find the energy to do both; buy the tree and decorate it, so I didn't, and neither did anyone else.
But this year, JE and I went to the tree lot and bought our little tree and decorated it. I didn't realize how much I missed decorating and looking at the ornaments we've accumulated over the years. Ornaments from my childhood, ornaments from JE's childhood, ornaments from students when I was a kindergarten teacher's aide...all brought back wonderful memories seeing them once again.
We talked about past Christmases but I didn't want to spoil this first Christmas as a rehash of previous ones so I recalled only the good memories. We looked at photo books to see pictures of our family, and extended family, celebrating together. We looked at happy pictures. We edited our past Christmases, seeing and talking about only the happy moments.
We opened gifts. JE had to search for hidden gifts with a "cold" and "hot" parameters kind of thing. It was fun.
And, then, we went for our walk.
It's not a long walk; it's nearly two hours around the lake, so it's not short either. I invited one of JE's friends to join us, and was surprised when he actually decided to meet us since it was Christmas Day. We were only about 10 minutes into the walk and another friend joined us.
And so, the four of us walked around the lake. The three boys in front and me just a bit back.
The sun was setting over the lake as we made our way back to the parking lot. It was one of the happiest Christmases I've had in a very long time. ♡♡
We had no plan, that is, let's get up at such and such a time, open gifts, have dinner (dinner? what? no planned Christmas dinner? )...yes, 'tis true, we did not have any dinner planned. We were winging it this year since it was just the two of us. JE slept until noon and it was at that point that I woke him because I couldn't wait any longer and I couldn't imagine missing our Christmas day walk. I really wanted to be outside in nature, enjoying our time together.
We ate some breakfast, PB&J for him, eggs for me, and in our conversation past Christmases came up. We haven't had really joyous Christmases in the recent years. Rather, it's been more going through the motions and some traditions got bypassed just because it was easier than arguing. This year though we bought a real tree and decorated it. With lights and ornaments and everything. That was a big deal since we haven't decorated our tree for years. Oh, sure, we went and bought a real tree at the tree lot for many years and that used to be fun, but choosing a tree as a family became a fight, no longer fun, no longer a cheerful family tradition. Buying a tree became a chore, joyless, so actually decorating it stopped happening. I couldn't find the energy to do both; buy the tree and decorate it, so I didn't, and neither did anyone else.
But this year, JE and I went to the tree lot and bought our little tree and decorated it. I didn't realize how much I missed decorating and looking at the ornaments we've accumulated over the years. Ornaments from my childhood, ornaments from JE's childhood, ornaments from students when I was a kindergarten teacher's aide...all brought back wonderful memories seeing them once again.
 |
| Charlie kitten |
 |
| Lyddie, my old girl |
We talked about past Christmases but I didn't want to spoil this first Christmas as a rehash of previous ones so I recalled only the good memories. We looked at photo books to see pictures of our family, and extended family, celebrating together. We looked at happy pictures. We edited our past Christmases, seeing and talking about only the happy moments.
We opened gifts. JE had to search for hidden gifts with a "cold" and "hot" parameters kind of thing. It was fun.
 |
| Wembley looking for Santa |
And, then, we went for our walk.
It's not a long walk; it's nearly two hours around the lake, so it's not short either. I invited one of JE's friends to join us, and was surprised when he actually decided to meet us since it was Christmas Day. We were only about 10 minutes into the walk and another friend joined us.
And so, the four of us walked around the lake. The three boys in front and me just a bit back.
I saw what I thought was a bird flying above but as I continued to watch it flying I recognized that it was a bat. You can see the bat in the picture below. He flew around and around the tops of those trees, back and forth, and back and forth, circling, and I wondered what he was looking for, or what he was watching, or if he was somehow lost. Can a bat be lost?
The sun was setting over the lake as we made our way back to the parking lot. It was one of the happiest Christmases I've had in a very long time. ♡♡
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